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There is no door separating the bedroom from the living room in my square-foot apartment, where my husband, Mark, and I have spent the past year together. I viewed it as an ironic little t reading project, and Mark was game. Besides, it was Covid—what else were we doing?
We could even commit to the bit and order a fondue set and some royal-blue wineglasses to drink pinot noir out of like it was really the nineties. In other words, we could pretend we were our parents, who seemed to have had it all so together at our age. Some version of them, anyway. If I was being honest with myself, the project was more than ironic.
This might have been a comforting thought for some, but for me, it was a little menacing: My parents ended up divorcing, and not amicably. With advice like this? They were doomed! And what about us? But could spending the spring of my thirty-second year with the marriage advice on aggressive offer to my parents when they were thirty-two teach me and my husband anything—even by counterexample?
Could it teach any of us anything? The book is not a scientific one but a work of pop psychology.
Nonetheless, it spent weeks on the New York Times best-seller list and sold seven million copies in the U. Bridget Jones read it. Init became a talk show. Gray followed up with a series of seminars both public and private and speaking engagements across the globe.
Tell him the ending first. In addition to having a dazzling command of metaphor, Gray uses repetition as a key rhetorical tool. He bolds main ideas and makes liberal use of lists and tables. I thrilled to imagine the joy that would come when he discovered PowerPoint.
Gray assures us that neither is superior. Many shared eye rolls aside, Mark reported pleasant feelings of recognition. Things got worse. At times, Gray verged on the profound. I could not. I do not, in fact, enjoy shopping! I am a skeptic. If I were to seek advice on my marriage at all, it would be from someone with better taste in fonts. That would be Esther Perel, the Belgian psychotherapist and author of the book Mating in Captivity. No relationship guru has achieved penetration in millennial bedrooms quite like she has.
Twenty million people have watched her TED talks. Her books have been translated into more than twenty-five languages. Her audience is neither implicitly nor explicitly heterosexual, nor is it even necessarily monogamous. Many in her audience view gender as inherently fluid. The premise of the show is that couples come to her with a seemingly intractable problem and she records them working it out in real time.
The issues the couples face are complicated—immigration, abandonment, their relationships with their fathers—all of which give it a mouthfeel of intellectual heft. Perel places emphasis on separateness in a way that strikes me as realistic, observing that we often ask way too much of our partners: We want them to be our best friends, our sexual partners, our caretakers, etc. And not only is that a lot to ask of a single person, but sometimes those modes can make for uncomfortable mixes. You can be somewhere there without being absolutely present.
Is it fair to pit Perel and Gray against each other? Well, they do have one undeniable similarity: Whether you agree with either of them or find them full of it, seemingly everyone over fifty-five has heard of Men Are from Mars and seemingly everyone under fifty-five has heard of Perel. Both have merchandised with gusto. Gray now even has a series on YouTube, where his daughter, Lauren, repackages his principles for a younger audience.
I found Lauren captivating. Lauren makes an appearance Mill Valley wives who like to fuck a baby in the introduction to my copy of Men Are from Mars. Only on my second reading, though, did I notice what suddenly felt obvious to me: Both John and Lauren Gray are from my hometown of Mill Valley, California. It took me approximately three clicks on Facebook to learn that Glade, of YouTube fame, and I had even been in the eighth-grade musical together. He was excellent. To my disappointment, in spite of what struck me as an almost cosmic coincidence, Lauren declined an interview.
Luckily, her dad agreed to chat. I reached Gray by Zoom at his home in Mill Valley, where his books were arranged behind him, covers out for my benefit. It became clear immediately that, almost thirty years on, Gray is sticking to his message. Any benefit to relationships between people other than cisgender men and women from his books or seminars would be wonderful but incidental. The slings and arrows of growing up teach us, of course, that no one does.
In other words, they are human. Between shopping for windbreakers and watching episodes of Seinfeld, they were embarking upon the project of understanding each other, and they found they needed some help with that. It turned out that reading Men Are from Mars three decades on did hurt. But as my experiment with Mark drew to a close, it struck me as perhaps even more heartbreaking to imagine my parents not looking for answers.
A little less, in other words, like me? And as much as it hurt, did it help? Desperate to humble myself before something I found so silly, knowing full well that to reserve my skepticism meant quite possibly feeling stupid as hell. United States. Type keyword s to search. Today's Top Stories. Esquire Select. Love In The Time of Magic.
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